Fire!

I was sitting down in front of my laptop with a cup of noodle (cup noodle) for lunch on Saturday when the phone rang.  As much as I avoid answering the phone at home (it is quite annoying to hear 'Can I speak to Mr. Loi?' when there are three 'Mr. Loi' living in the house), being alone at home, I answered the phone.

'I was driving past your house and I see smoke coming up from the back of your house!'  A friend of my father was screaming into my ear.

Sure enough, I looked out my window, my neighbour's house was on fire.  I won't bother describing the incident here, as the newspaper seems to report it quite accurately for once.  For those who wants a more 'graphic description', someone apparently shot a video and posted online.

The point is, the fire made me realised (again) how temporary this life is.  At the start of the fire, the entire neighbourhood was in chaos, people were running everywhere, and being alone at home, I did find myself, albeit for just a short while, asking myself, what to save if the fire does spread to my house.  (It was the block of houses directly behind mine that was burning, there was a gap of about 15 feet between the last house on that row and mine, but still, strong wind, blazing hot weather...)

As I was asking myself that question, and watching the neighbours from houses nearer to the fire running out of their houses carrying their televisions, computers and other household items, I couldn't help but feeling how futile it is for us to be building our worth on materials.  While I really do symphatise with my neighbours who lost everything in the fire, I find myself asking, what is the measure of my 'worth'?

I don't have a house of my own (I live with my parents), in fact, don't own much, and most of the more expensive things I own are bought for use in ministry (I own things that 'regular' people won't be buying, such as walkie-talkies, laminating machine, etc, which I use in my camping ministry), and I don't own much of what 'regular' people would strive to own today (no cameras, no tablet PC, no luxury car, not even a decent travelling bag - all my bags are haversacks and bagpacks, for camping use).  In that sense, I don't really have much to my own name.

But looking at it, I am glad that I don't have 'much', for I was again reminded that day, it is not how much I 'own' that matters - it can all be gone in just a short moment, but what I am 'investing' that really matter, and I am choosing to invest into the Kingdom of God, to spend my time and money on building the young people who would, prayerfully, (to borrow the word of my of my disciples) be craved into Godly men.  That would be what I am worth, I hope.

Legum Magister

"The Master of Laws is an advanced academic degree, pursued by those holding a professional law degree, and is commonly abbreviated LL.M. (also LLM or L.L.M.) from its Latin name, Legum Magister." 

- Wikipedia 

As I am typing this, I am looking at the offer letter from my alma mater (University of London) to pursue my LL.M. by distance learning.  Back in the days when I was slogging though my LL.B. (Legum Baccalaureus - Bachelor of Laws), I dreamed of furthering my education even beyond Master level, I still do.

Yet, looking at the letter (which I have received since 19th July), I have my doubts.  To pursue 4 modules (each comprising of 4 units each), all of which are pure examinations based (16 unseen examinations in total!), while juggling a full time job as well as (near) full time ministry of running camps, trainings and mentoring more than a handful of youths - it all seems a little bit too much.  I can't help but wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew.

If I really want to stay in the field of what I do now (lecturing law), then the pursue of my Masters would be the next logical move; but as passionate as I am about my job, it is, at the end of the day, a mean to an end; I am no more than a tent-maker.

Can I cope juggling everything I am already juggling now and still throw in that huge ball calls Legum Magister?  Maybe it is time to take a further step of faith?

A year of good byes

It had been a long year of saying good byes to so many of my boys.  One is in Singapore serving his national service duty.  Another left Malaysia to go back to Korea.  Yet another went off to Australia to further his studies.  And yet another left for university just last month.  

Next week, one more boy of mine will be leaving home for Brisbane in his pursuit of becoming an aircraft maintenance engineer.  So, three years from now, I should stop flying altogether, just in case any of the many rebuking that I have done towards him is still fresh in his memories.  

Jokes aside, it is always an emotional roller-coaster for me when one of my boys leave.  After months or even years of mentoring and grooming them, their departures signify that I have done my job, I have seen naive little boys grown into mature and godly young men.  I am proud of each one of them.  The farewell at the airport would always be my proudest moments - to see the product of my labour moving on to greater heights, like a proud father (oh no, I sound so old!) seeing his child achieving new heights and know that I had play a (small) part in it.

On the other hand, I dread the farewells.  After months and years of breathing down their necks, fussing over them over anything and everything, after all the tears and laughter together, to see them leave is like losing a piece of myself.  At times, after so long, I still find myself in those nostalgic moment sitting at my famous laksa stall, and hearing the voices of my boys who used to share those precious breakfast moments with me arguing over theology.

With each of my boys, I try my best to give them that precious moment that is uniquely his and mine, a little something that I would only do together with him, a little something for them to remember me by, a little something for me to remember them by. 

How many more good byes will I be saying?  How many more pieces of my heart will I be giving away?  Lord, I pray that there will be many, many more good byes to come, many, many more pieces of my heart to be given away; may each of my boys leave with that piece of my heart as a seed that they will plant in the hearts of others, may they be Paul's to many Timothy's of their own, just as I had (at least tried to be) a Paul to each of them.  Thank you Lord for this privilege and honour to have so many younger brothers who have been so much more a blessing to my life than they would ever know.  May You grant me the privilege and honour to also hear of the blessings that You would pour into their lives through their own Timothy's.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

It had been a long, long time

I used to blog, as a means to keep people who I know (and people who know me) up-to-date about my journey in ministry.  Eventually, three years ago, after quite a large amount of negative feedback to my leaders (employers?) by people who read too much into what I write, after too much (wrong and unjustified) assumptions were made by too many people who believe they knew and understood the struggle of a young man who chose to consecrate his life for God, I gave up on blogging.

Eventually, after being extremely tired of under the constant scrutiny of loving Christian brothers and sisters who knew better than myself of how to handle my ministries and my struggles, at the middle of last year, I took yet another step of faith and left full-time attachment from the church setting (others had said I left full-time ministry, there is a big difference, but sadly, people chose not to see it).  

I was at a national level Christian conference a week ago, and to my surprise (and dismay), several persons I know thought I dropped out of ministry completely as this blog was taken offline a couple of years back after much frustration.  So I guess, it is time that I return to the blogging scene.

Now that I am back in the secular working world, and still maintaining my ministries of mentoring and grooming boys and young men to be more Christ-like, I hope I can continue to blog (and thus keep my prayer partners and friends updated about my ministries) without drawing anymore unnecessary 'attention' (for lack of better word).

To my friends and prayer partners, thank you for being there all these while, do rest assured that I am still very much here, still doing the same thing (not giving up); and to those who feels you 'know' my struggles and my relationship with God better than myself, a genuine plea from my heart, from one Christian brother to another (or to a Christian sister), your prayers would be much more appreciated than your judgments.