Here We Go Again

It happens every year for the last five years, that it almost feels like just another standard yearly routine, like Chinese New Year and Christmas, but it is not - I am talking about Boot Camp, a camp that I have been running for Lodge Group of Schools for the last five years, and we are now in the midst of planning the sixth one already.

This coming camp will be held in May 2012, and more details can be found on the camp's website, www.lodgebootcamp.blogspot.com.

The planning started three months back, and as in the years past, it would be a nine months labour of love for me and my boys, as we train young leaders from the school, prepare for new activities, research for new teachings, and most importantly, learn to work with each other.

Do keep us in prayer, as it is an extremely tiring (yet, prayerfully, rewarding) task to pull off the camp.

A Sense of Achievement

One of the things that I have to drag myself to do in my capacity as the head of faculty is to attend the annual graduation ceremony.  Sitting on the stage, facing the hundreds of graduands and their families, while wearing layers of thick clothing (in addition to the usual shirt, suit and tie, there is the long and baggy ceremonial academic gown) is definitely not my idea of a good time.

Last year's graduation ceremony took place not very long after I came into office, hence i was reading out names of graduands who I do not know, as they have all completed their studies before (or around the time of) my joining the college.  Frankly, I felt extremely awkward and out of place at last year's ceremony.  Students were all looking for the various lecturers and faculty heads to take photographs with, but I was pretty much ignored.  Can't say I blame them, after all, I had no part to play in their studies.  I did try my best to engage the parents of the graduands of my faculty, but having not known their kids personally, my attempts at conversation were lame and pathetic to say the very least.

This year's graduation ceremony was held yesterday.  It was the same ritual, layered in thick clothing (hotter than last year as I was wearing a new and thick blazer - what was I thinking?) I was extremely not looking forward to the ceremony when I first arrive at the ceremony hall two hours before the start of event.  So, I set out to expect another awkward afternoon, as those who know could testify, I am miserable in trying to have a good time.

Yet, when the graduands of my faculty began to show up, I find myself getting excited.  I fussed over them, I adjusted their graduation gowns (they were really clueless on how to dress properly, gowns and sashes were dropping everywhere, and mortalboards were tilting in every direction except the right direction), I took their photos, they took my photos, and I fussed over them and adjusted their gowns some more.

As I stood on the stage, reading out the name of each of my graduands, I can't help but look up at them and (actually) smile (something that I almost never do).  I can't help but feeling a sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, to know that each of them were leaving with a little piece of me in them.  The fact that I had a part to play in them reaching the point in life that they are at, it was indeed a wonderfully uplifting experience.  For that few moments, as I smile at them and they smiled back; the hours of screaming at them back in class, the agony of dealing with their behaviours and the frustrations given to me by them, all felt worth it.  For a few moments, I realised that what I am doing at where I am actually is worth something.

The graduands from the A Levels (pre-law) programme.  Most of them are now students in my first year degree class. 

To add icing to the cake, one of the A Levels graduands of that day is also one of my Timothy, and not having his family around (he is from out of town), I was really glad to be able to be there with him; not just as his lecturer and faculty head, but also as his big brother; sharing his achievement, sharing his joy and sharing my clothes (he was wearing my other blazer and tie!).

Jeremy Oliver and I - student and lecturer, graduand and academic head, younger brother and elder ('older' is such a mean word) brother.

An Example?

Looked up the word 'example' from the online version of the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary.  Two of the definitions provided were:

a person or their behaviour that is thought to be a good model for others to copy

a person's behaviour, either good or bad, that other people copy

I looked around my life, people who are supposedly are above me, superior to me; and I am sad to see that often time, I don't see much of 'behaviour that is thought to be a good model'.  I used to have a health science teacher who was a chain smoker.  He would taught us about the danger of smoking, and then said to us, 'do as I preach, not as I do'.

The fact is, that was a hard-sell from my health science teacher, especially when he was 'preaching' to a class of eager-eyed 13-year-old who look up to their teachers as the wisest men and women in the world (now that I am an educator myself, I realised, sadly, that educators are often time the least sensible people, sigh.)

St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) in his Summa Theologica (circa 1266) propounded that built into ma's nature is a group of God-given 'inclinations' which allows us to differential between 'good' and 'bad' - which I read to mean that each of us, as God-created being, would be capable of knowing fully well whether each of our actions is good or bad.

Many a time, I find people whom are supposedly superior to me exhibiting behaviours that are obviously 'bad' (lie, cheat, fabricate, distorting truths, back-stab, bad-mouth... the list goes on and on), which as leaders, led to others copying and mimicking them.  After all, if my leader is doing so, why can't I, right?  Surely a leader couldn't say,' do as I expected you to, but not as I am doing', right?  How could a leader be bad and expect the followers to be good?

And what I see strikes fear in me.  In a way, I am a leader too.  I have been (at least professing to be) mentoring a relatively large group of teenage boys.  They (I hope) look up to me as their role model; they consult me when they face problems; they ask me for advise when they are confused; some of them even invite me to functions as stand-in of their parents (in the absence of their parents).

What kind of role model am I?  Are my behaviours, which my boys are copying, good or bad?  I can't say I have learnt a lot from people whom I look(ed) up to - though I do (still) have a handful of good role models and mentors of my own - and often time, people who I thought were great example of the fields that I am involved in have proven not to be good examples to follow.  So, what do I know about being an example?

Oh Lord, may it not be me that my boys are seeing, but You living through me that show forth.  May you block out all the bad thoughts, and botch out all the bad behaviours that come from the bad thoughts, so as not to let me be anything less than the role model these children of yours deserve.  In the glorious name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.

Dealing with the Ignorance Ignorant

[Disclaimer: This is going to be a passage of my lament, so for those who do not want to read anything but writings that are full of joy and cheers, please do not read on further.]

ig·no·rance [ig-ner-uhns] noun 

the state or fact of being ignorant; lack of knowledge, learning, information, etc.

I have been feeling like screaming out loud for the last one month, but, being the passive person that I am, I kept it in.  

It is funny how people who has the least knowledge of things are often time the ones who make the most comments, and at times, give the most instructions.  I really want to scream and shout at those people.  I mean, come on, you came to me because I have knowledge on the subject matter and you don't, shouldn't that be enough of a reason for you to back off and trust me to do the work?  If you do not trust my judgement on the matter, then why did you even ask me in the first place?

Why do people not realise that the more they try to make decisions with little or no knowledge of the subject matter (and thus overriding the decision of those who have the knowledge) they just make themselves look even more stupid than they already are by asking for help on the simplest things?  maybe that is why they are ignorance, for they are totally ignorance of how ignorance they are.

Sigh... I need McDonald's sundae, it is therapeutic, but I can't, lactose-intolerance.  Sigh and double-sigh. 

Fire!

I was sitting down in front of my laptop with a cup of noodle (cup noodle) for lunch on Saturday when the phone rang.  As much as I avoid answering the phone at home (it is quite annoying to hear 'Can I speak to Mr. Loi?' when there are three 'Mr. Loi' living in the house), being alone at home, I answered the phone.

'I was driving past your house and I see smoke coming up from the back of your house!'  A friend of my father was screaming into my ear.

Sure enough, I looked out my window, my neighbour's house was on fire.  I won't bother describing the incident here, as the newspaper seems to report it quite accurately for once.  For those who wants a more 'graphic description', someone apparently shot a video and posted online.

The point is, the fire made me realised (again) how temporary this life is.  At the start of the fire, the entire neighbourhood was in chaos, people were running everywhere, and being alone at home, I did find myself, albeit for just a short while, asking myself, what to save if the fire does spread to my house.  (It was the block of houses directly behind mine that was burning, there was a gap of about 15 feet between the last house on that row and mine, but still, strong wind, blazing hot weather...)

As I was asking myself that question, and watching the neighbours from houses nearer to the fire running out of their houses carrying their televisions, computers and other household items, I couldn't help but feeling how futile it is for us to be building our worth on materials.  While I really do symphatise with my neighbours who lost everything in the fire, I find myself asking, what is the measure of my 'worth'?

I don't have a house of my own (I live with my parents), in fact, don't own much, and most of the more expensive things I own are bought for use in ministry (I own things that 'regular' people won't be buying, such as walkie-talkies, laminating machine, etc, which I use in my camping ministry), and I don't own much of what 'regular' people would strive to own today (no cameras, no tablet PC, no luxury car, not even a decent travelling bag - all my bags are haversacks and bagpacks, for camping use).  In that sense, I don't really have much to my own name.

But looking at it, I am glad that I don't have 'much', for I was again reminded that day, it is not how much I 'own' that matters - it can all be gone in just a short moment, but what I am 'investing' that really matter, and I am choosing to invest into the Kingdom of God, to spend my time and money on building the young people who would, prayerfully, (to borrow the word of my of my disciples) be craved into Godly men.  That would be what I am worth, I hope.

Legum Magister

"The Master of Laws is an advanced academic degree, pursued by those holding a professional law degree, and is commonly abbreviated LL.M. (also LLM or L.L.M.) from its Latin name, Legum Magister." 

- Wikipedia 

As I am typing this, I am looking at the offer letter from my alma mater (University of London) to pursue my LL.M. by distance learning.  Back in the days when I was slogging though my LL.B. (Legum Baccalaureus - Bachelor of Laws), I dreamed of furthering my education even beyond Master level, I still do.

Yet, looking at the letter (which I have received since 19th July), I have my doubts.  To pursue 4 modules (each comprising of 4 units each), all of which are pure examinations based (16 unseen examinations in total!), while juggling a full time job as well as (near) full time ministry of running camps, trainings and mentoring more than a handful of youths - it all seems a little bit too much.  I can't help but wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew.

If I really want to stay in the field of what I do now (lecturing law), then the pursue of my Masters would be the next logical move; but as passionate as I am about my job, it is, at the end of the day, a mean to an end; I am no more than a tent-maker.

Can I cope juggling everything I am already juggling now and still throw in that huge ball calls Legum Magister?  Maybe it is time to take a further step of faith?

A year of good byes

It had been a long year of saying good byes to so many of my boys.  One is in Singapore serving his national service duty.  Another left Malaysia to go back to Korea.  Yet another went off to Australia to further his studies.  And yet another left for university just last month.  

Next week, one more boy of mine will be leaving home for Brisbane in his pursuit of becoming an aircraft maintenance engineer.  So, three years from now, I should stop flying altogether, just in case any of the many rebuking that I have done towards him is still fresh in his memories.  

Jokes aside, it is always an emotional roller-coaster for me when one of my boys leave.  After months or even years of mentoring and grooming them, their departures signify that I have done my job, I have seen naive little boys grown into mature and godly young men.  I am proud of each one of them.  The farewell at the airport would always be my proudest moments - to see the product of my labour moving on to greater heights, like a proud father (oh no, I sound so old!) seeing his child achieving new heights and know that I had play a (small) part in it.

On the other hand, I dread the farewells.  After months and years of breathing down their necks, fussing over them over anything and everything, after all the tears and laughter together, to see them leave is like losing a piece of myself.  At times, after so long, I still find myself in those nostalgic moment sitting at my famous laksa stall, and hearing the voices of my boys who used to share those precious breakfast moments with me arguing over theology.

With each of my boys, I try my best to give them that precious moment that is uniquely his and mine, a little something that I would only do together with him, a little something for them to remember me by, a little something for me to remember them by. 

How many more good byes will I be saying?  How many more pieces of my heart will I be giving away?  Lord, I pray that there will be many, many more good byes to come, many, many more pieces of my heart to be given away; may each of my boys leave with that piece of my heart as a seed that they will plant in the hearts of others, may they be Paul's to many Timothy's of their own, just as I had (at least tried to be) a Paul to each of them.  Thank you Lord for this privilege and honour to have so many younger brothers who have been so much more a blessing to my life than they would ever know.  May You grant me the privilege and honour to also hear of the blessings that You would pour into their lives through their own Timothy's.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

It had been a long, long time

I used to blog, as a means to keep people who I know (and people who know me) up-to-date about my journey in ministry.  Eventually, three years ago, after quite a large amount of negative feedback to my leaders (employers?) by people who read too much into what I write, after too much (wrong and unjustified) assumptions were made by too many people who believe they knew and understood the struggle of a young man who chose to consecrate his life for God, I gave up on blogging.

Eventually, after being extremely tired of under the constant scrutiny of loving Christian brothers and sisters who knew better than myself of how to handle my ministries and my struggles, at the middle of last year, I took yet another step of faith and left full-time attachment from the church setting (others had said I left full-time ministry, there is a big difference, but sadly, people chose not to see it).  

I was at a national level Christian conference a week ago, and to my surprise (and dismay), several persons I know thought I dropped out of ministry completely as this blog was taken offline a couple of years back after much frustration.  So I guess, it is time that I return to the blogging scene.

Now that I am back in the secular working world, and still maintaining my ministries of mentoring and grooming boys and young men to be more Christ-like, I hope I can continue to blog (and thus keep my prayer partners and friends updated about my ministries) without drawing anymore unnecessary 'attention' (for lack of better word).

To my friends and prayer partners, thank you for being there all these while, do rest assured that I am still very much here, still doing the same thing (not giving up); and to those who feels you 'know' my struggles and my relationship with God better than myself, a genuine plea from my heart, from one Christian brother to another (or to a Christian sister), your prayers would be much more appreciated than your judgments.